This is a slightly different post to the usual but it's something which has been on my mind and something which has caught me off guard recently - the worry and guilt that goes with having children. The worry I can deal with but the guilt is driving me crazy.
It started with the guilt I experienced when I ate prawns in the early days of pregnancy.
And then the guilt felt when I couldn't breastfeed Robbie and he cried endlessly out of hunger. He lost more than 10% of his body weight in hospital and I felt like a failure for not being able to provide for my son.
And now there are the twangs of guilt I feel when I can't settle Robbie during the day and he ends up sleeping for no more than 1 hour at a time. Usually 30 minute cat naps.
And the guilt I felt when I was sick recently and my in-laws (bless them!) looked after Robbie for the day so I can get some much needed rest.
Next week is my 30th birthday. I've organised a night out with friends and although I probably won't be out for longer than 2-3 hours I'm already starting to feel guilty about leaving Robbie even though I'm leaving him in the best of care with my parents.
In search for some help I've been reading a lot on this topic and talked with lots of people. Some are mothers and others aren't.
One thing I've found is that people are quick to comment on what a mother should be doing with well-meaning comments such as "He might be cold. Maybe you should wrap him in something warmer." or "He might be hungry. Maybe you should feed him". But people don't usually take the time to compliment a mother on what a great job she is doing.
I received a compliment yesterday from a mum who told me that I am a great mother to Robbie. That comment meant more to me than what she will probably realise.
So if you are reading this and know a new or not so new mum - please - take the time to tell her what a great job she is doing. I'm sure she will appreciate it!
Oh and same goes for the dads too, of course!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
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ReplyDeleteHang in there, it is normal to feel guilt and think these thoughts, I guess that is what keeps us evolving and trying to be better.
My son is 19 months and not long ago I was in your shoes. I felt guilty he lost more than 10% when he was born and the breastfeeding dramas, and the not sleeping during the day. But now it has all been worth it, and time goes so quickly that before you know it, he will be calling you mummy and wanting you to play and then you will feel guilty for spending too much time on the computer. It happens to me... enjoy being a mum it is the best thing in the world.
It's good to hear I'm not the only one. You are right, it does make us keep trying to be better so that's a positive!
ReplyDeleteYour little one is beautiful - congratulations and thank you for your comment xxx
oh honey, mother's guilt is pretty much going to stick around for ever! And it expands to other things - blog guilt, for instance! That's partly why I stopped writing minimeez - have too many other things in my life to feel guilty about!
ReplyDeleteDespite the "motherhood club" mothers can be absolutely horrid to each other. I've banned myself from parenting forums for this reason - i can't handle women attacking other women just because someone's opinion differs from their own. Motherhood is probably the hardest, confusing, hair-pulling time one can experience (but obviously rewarding!) - especially at the start - and the last thing a woman needs is for someone WHO DOESN'T KNOW HER OR HER SITUATION to say she;s doing the wrong thing. I even stopped going to the clinic unless I had to because the midwives would tell me Z needed more sleep (he cat napped for 30 mins a day too). But he was happy and growing and developing and and completely FINE and even though I was tired, I knew that's all the sleep he needed and so just went with it. I chose to trust my gut and my heart than the books and other people's opinions. You're right - it's the nicest thing a mother can hear. My husband, parents and parents-in-law tell me all the time what a great job I'm doing with my kids and my eyes swell up every time. You can't hear it enough!
So, Viv, the fact you have mother's guilt and worry so much means YOU'RE A GREAT MOTHER! And a very bloody stylish one at that! xxx
Thanks for this, Viv.
ReplyDeleteI felt guilt for so many reasons for each of the kids... I had to work, I couldn't breastfeed (and there's more than just not providing properly guilt that goes with that - Breastfed babies are smarter/more socialised/gain weight better, etc), I didn't cloth diaper, and the list goes on...
I agree. Praise a mum. They sorely need it.
It's very easy to feel guilty. I remember hanging on to every compliment I got about my parenting... like the people around me were experts or something.
ReplyDeleteI do tell people what beautiful parents they are, and I will now remember to do it even more. I remember how much that means. xx